1 Year Later

I went on bed rest 1 year ago today.  WOW! What a difference a year makes.  It is amazing to look back and see what all has happened this past year.  Along with the everyday things there were major learning experiences as well as life changing events.  I'm kind of a list person so that is what this will be!

1. multiple hospital stays for me
2. celebrated Luke's birthday
3. buried Chestnut, our 6 1/2 year old dog
4. celebrated Thanksgiving, totally caterred meal
5. went off bed rest
6. went to NCG concert
7. had a beautiful baby boy
8. found out my brother had cancer
9. brought Barnabas home from the hospital on my birthday!
10. celebrated Christmas
11. found out my Dad had cancer
12. had huge party for all those who helped while on bedrest
13. joined our church and had all 4 kids baptized
14. celebrated Seth's birthday
15. Dad developed brain lesions which turned out to be CNS Lymphoma
16. suffered with my mom and family as my dad died
17. my grandma died
18. Luke lost a tooth and started to read
19. John started talking in complete sentences
20. Claire sings all things!
21. Barnabas started sleeping through the night
22. My sister and family started building a new house right by us

There are many other small things that I can't think of now.  But, bringing home Barnabas and sending my Dad Home were most definitely the most life changing.  So much joy and so much sadness.  I think we are still processing it all.

BUT, in all things, I will give praise to my God and Saviour!

What a year!

1 month

My dad died one month ago today.  The pain gets deeper each day.  I talk with my mom and she is doing okay yet, not.  She feels so empty, lonely, alone.  We fill her time but we aren't dad (or as she always called him, Billy).  I ache for her more than for myself.  I want to ease the pain, fill the void, soften the hurt, fill the hole, complete her again, etc.  But, really, there is nothing I can do.  The Bible says "two become one".  It isn't really that part of her died.  She died too.  The "one" isn't alive anymore.  How do you fix that?  How do you breath?  How do you eat or sleep or drive or talk or read or exist?

I keep thinking it won't be that long till we are all in heaven with him.  Then, I think, he "should of" had 20 more years.  That's 20 years that my children won't have their Papa.  And I think that gets me more than me not having my dad.  I want my children to remember him and know him and they won't.  I want a hug or a "hey, Les" or "is this the person to whom I'm speaking?" or to hold his hand again like he liked to do with us while he laid in the hospital bed.  Just to see him again and not in a picture.

I never get a chance to think or cry about him.  I feel bad that I don't feel bad.  Then one little thing could send me over but there is a crying child or screaming child so I choke back the tears again.

I think of him holding our 3 babies that we never met.  That they are with their Papa and how he loves them.  I remember mom telling me how she found him crying after we told them of our first miscarriage.  Now he is rejoicing with them!

I just want him back.  I want him to walk into the room.  I want him to make my kids crazy.  I want him to fall asleep in the chair, any chair.  I want him to......

14th on the 13th

The 13th was our anniversary.  We weren't able to do anything, but Friday night my mom is watching 3 of 4 kids and we are going to eat some dinner and shoot some guns!  We were going to camp too, but I think it is too hot!

Though life is harder in many ways than when we got married, it is also so much better.  We have 4 wonderful children and many more memories and inside jokes and movie quotes!

I thought I married the man of my dreams when I was 20.  What I've realized is that I'm married to the man of my dreams now.  He is different in many ways than back then, but so am I.  We have changed together and grown together.  I am blessed to be married to a man who is sanctifying me daily with the Word.

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."  Seth is my greatest blessing!!

John Atticus is 2

John turned 2 today!  What a joyful, loving, handsome and pleasant little man!  He loves tractors, Jeeps, trailers, balls, cars, trains and his siblings.  He is starting to dance which is a total hoot.  He loves to give hugs and kisses.  He likes to mimic Luke and Claire which is usually a good thing.  He is really starting to play with them more and they are getting better at including him.

His smile is infectious and his eyes will draw you in.  We love our beloved witness.  He is just so cute!!

grief

My dad died on May 14, 2012 at about 5:45pm.  I've never seen grief till I saw my mom.  I think it gets harder every day he is gone, not easier.  I will write more on this later.

From the mouths of babes...

We went to see my mom and dad in the hospital yesterday.  Dad isn't doing well.  He slept the whole time we were there.  Claire was talking to mom and said "you know Papa may die".  My mom said yes.  Then Claire said "He will see Jesus!".  Nothing is more exciting than getting to see our saviour face to face "as he is".  What a comfort to know whenever my dad does die he will see Jesus!  What a joyous thing that Claire is excited about it too!

After the visit we went to the zoo.  It was the first time since Luke was 1 1/2 years old.  The kids LOVED it and were so well behaved and it wasn't busy since we got there when the school kids were leaving!

Tractor Day

This past Saturday was Tractor Day!  We woke the kids at 5:45am, got them changed and loaded them into the truck (with their blankets) and headed to Fairfield to get our tractor.  We were all super excited.  It isn't a huge tractor, but it has a 60in belly mower.  We also got a bush-hog and auger so we should be able to dig post holes and cut some grass.

Anyway, we got to Fairfield a little after 7am and stopped at McDonald's for breakfast.  Then we went to Lemond's to pick up the tractor.  Well, things always take forever so we were there for a couple hours.  The kids didn't mind.  They got to play on the 4 wheelers and tractor!

Once we got home we went out to the property (now called the farm) and Seth messed around with the tractor for a while.  Then he and Luke mowed while Claire, John and I had a snack and Barnabas took a nap.  We ate a late lunch at Gary's (local burger dive).  Then I took 3 kids home for a nap and Seth and LUke mowed more.  They got 3 acres mowed in about 3 hours and then played with the scoop and bush-hog.

For dinner we went to Chico's (local tex/mex joint).  We got to eat out all 3 meals so it was a true vacation day! 

After baths, everyone was ready for bed. 

It was a great family day and a big day on our pursuit and goal to have a hobby farm on our land and maybe one day live there too!

Boot Day!

Luke has been wanting some new cowboy boots.  We got him some for Christmas 2010 and he finally grew out of them.  Well, they are expensive.  So, Seth said he would pay him if he helped plant trees on the property.  Luke was up for the task.  He was to get $2 a tree.  We figured he would last 30 or 40 trees.  He loved doing it with Seth and thus planted about 140 trees!!!  They even planted on a crazy windy day and Luke never wanted to stop.  (the trees are just samplings, but still, Luke is only 5)

So, Luke asked all the time if it was pay day and when could he get his boots.  We had been waiting a little while so he could learn about waiting for pay.  (there are many lessons from this one job)  Seth told him on Tuesday that Thursday (today) they would go to the bank and get his money and then go get some boots.  We decided to all tag along because that is how we roll, as a family.  This morning when he got up he was so excited because it was "boot day".  Claire was so excited for him and she kept saying it was "boot day"!

We went to the bank and got his money.  Then we checked out one more place (Double D Western Wear) to see if they had anything he liked.  We had already been to Bucheit's and Rural King.  He really liked some at Rural King but they were really expensive.  So, we went to Double D and he found some brown boots with camo that he really liked.  They were cheaper and he got a discount (gotta love shopping local) because he was using his money!

He loves his boots and we all had a great time celebrating his hard work as a family!

baby laugh

Barnabas laughed for the first time today and I got to hear it first!  I think Seth got the first smile!  Babies are great!

6 weeks later

Well, Barnabas has been here for 6 weeks.  What a crazy time it has been.  Life is grand!  I love how all the others want to hold him or help me with him.  Luke wants to change diapers.  Claire wants to hold him or get him his pacifier when he is crying.  John just wants to be wherever he is.  John may love Barnabas more than anyone else in the world does, but mom and dad are pushing a close second!

We enjoy having a baby around.  I was telling Seth the other day that it is a good thing we have a baby because if we didn't I would want one!  John is getting so big and isn't our baby, which is good, but still a little sad!

Our house is full of life and we are enjoying it all even if we get frustrated at times because we can't finish a thought or a sentence.

He is here!

Barnabas George Hahs came to us on December 18th at 11:52pm!  He is healthy and doing great.  We already feel encouraged having him with us.  The kids love him and love to hold him.  John is so gentle and excited to see him.  John actually tries to say "Barnabas" but hasn't tried to say "Luke" or "Claire" yet.  They will be such buds!!

The long trial up to this point was so worth it.  We have another healthy baby who is blessing us already.  The months of bed rest were torture but they are over and we are moving with our new normal!!

(I was able to do it without an epidural!  It is something I really wanted to do.  Not sure if I will do it again or not!)

Luke is 5!

Well, this post is a little behind but I wanted to write it anyway.

Luke turned 5 on October 7th.  For his birthday he and Seth went camping on our property with one of Seth's friends who has a 11 year old son who is great with Luke.  It is who Luke wanted to come and they made it work!  The guys camped and ate hotdogs and rode 4 wheelers and played with the dogs.  The next day Seth and Luke got to bushhog the property with Uncle Rob's tractor.  I think it was the perfect birthday for our little man.

I made a pirate sword cake and decorated it with pirates and "gold" coins.  My parents came over for dinner and cake.  We kept the thing low key since I was on bed rest.  Luke didn't seem to mind at all and had a great time.

Luke is our little man.  We've been calling him that forever.  (We also call him Lukerpants but I don't remember how that got started!)  He is such a first born.  He loves to be a leader.  He plays great with Claire and John and they want to be with him.  He loves to learn and be read to.  Right now he also loves to write so he practices a lot.  He is sensitive yet brave and courageous.  Don't mess with his sister or he will take you down!  (I wouldn't recommend messing with his brother either!)  He is dependable, funny, curious, inquisitive, thoughtful and full of love.  He will tell you he loves you anytime, just because.  He is our Lightgiver and we thank the Lord everyday for such a wonderful son. 

Off bed rest!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and finally off bed rest.  I keep on the meds for 2 more weeks so this little guy can grow.  It is so nice to be able to take care of my kiddos and cook for my husband!

Still need more time to reflect on what has really happened the last 2 1/2 months.

R.I.P. Chestnut

We had to put our dog Chestnut down on November 5.  I must say it was a very sad day for our family, but especially for me.  She was my dog and now she is gone.

We noticed on the previous Wednesday that she wasn't opening her right eye.  I assumed she had an eye infection or something.  Seth took her to the vet on Thursday and she had a fever and had lost weight.  He got some meds for her.  But, while he was there she started limping on her back right leg.  We were used to her limping on her back left leg because she had a bad hip.  Also, they found skin lesions we hadn't noticed before.

Friday night when Seth took the dogs out before bed she was walking like she couldn't see.  She walked into the Jeep and her bowl.  Totally not like her.

Saturday morning Seth took her back to the vet and an x-ray was done.  She had blasto everywhere.  Blasto is some kind of infection (Seth knows the details not me!).  Since it was everywhere there was no hope.  The vet said we could try to treat her but there was no guarantee of anything.  The humane thing to do was to put her down. 

So, Saturday afternoon Seth and Luke went and dug a hole out on our property.  Then late afternoon the vet came to our house and took her out of her misery.  We then all loaded up as a family and took her to the property and said our last good-byes and buried her.  I still cry thinking of it.  I really thought she would just get old and we would have to put her down but it would be a slow process.  3 days is all we had and it was fast and I didn't expect it to end like that.

Chestnut was crazy!  She was scared of fireworks, storms, balloons, guns (real and toy)!  But, she was our dog.  We got her 1 year after we got Whitefield so they both came before the kids.  We walked or ran everyday till Claire came along.  Then I couldn't do as much.  She loved to play frisbee and chase a tennis ball.  She loved to cuddle between your legs.  She also loved to have her face buried in you somewhere while you loved on her!  She slept on my side of the bed and now it is empty.  She was great with the kids and let them do just about anything to her.

We loved her and still talk about her.  Today we were talking about how she sang with the harmonica and it sounded like she was crying!!!  Luke will remember her and this time but I'm not sure Claire will.  We are even happier that we have Dixie now.  Whitefield seems totally fine and him and Dixie and definitely pals now.

RIP Chestnut!  (April 2004 - November 2011)

Well, life has taken a turn

Bedrest is here.  Do we like?  NOOOOOO!

On Sept. 20th I went to the doc for an ultrasound and was apparently having contractions.  My doctor sent me to the hospital to be monitored.  After being there for 3 hours or so I came home with some meds, Procardia every 6 hours.  Wednesday, the 21st, went fine till evening and the contractions started again.  I called the doctor and we took more meds but they wouldn't stop.  We went back to the hospital and stayed the night.  I finally came home Thursday afternoon and was on bedrest with my meds every 4 hours.  That is where we are today, 2 weeks later.

I can get water, take a shower and throw something in the microwave but that is all.  I can't pick up and hold my kids.  This isn't too big for Luke and Claire as I wasn't holding them much anymore.  But, John, my baby, was always on my hip! (maybe that is why is still isn't walking!!)  I can't get him out of bed. I can't put him down for a nap. I can't give the kids baths.  I can occasionally change a diaper but not really.  I miss my snuggle bug.  The big kids climb on the couch or into bed in the morning and snuggle up but John can't really do that.  The couch and bed are too much fun for him and he hasn't figured out how to get off gracefully.  This leads to some emotional times as one can imagine with a pregnant momma not able to hold her current baby!

But, the Lord is blessing us in incredible ways.  My sister-in-law, Tara, set up a meal calendar so we have meals coming 4 nights a week with leftovers covering the other times.  We also know many homeschooling families with older daughters (ages 12-15) who are coming during the day to watch/play/hold the kids.  They are all lovely and kind and doing great.

Seth is taking the real beating.  He has to get John ready each morning, cook breakfast and manage kitchen stuff at the other meals.  He still has to walk or run the dogs every morning.  Oh, and then he goes to the office for 8+ hours to be a doctor!  He is AMAZING!!!!  I feel helpless and like a bum but he encourages me to keep resting so our little one will be healthy and strong.

I'm also keeping a list of what I'm learning during this bedrest thing.  Maybe I will write a little something once it is over.  We are trying to do a photo journal type thing too of all those who are helping us.  We hope that in early January we can have a HUGE party for everyone who helped us and then show all the pics. 

I am reading to make the time pass.  It really isn't too boring most of the time as the kids are all around and I am on the couch so I can read to them and talk to them and things.  I have read "The Screwtape Letters" and "Little Women".  I'm now onto "Little Men" as I just found out it is a sequel to LW.

In the end, I'm doing well with no more contractions.  Baby Barnabas is healthy and growing every day.  I go to the doc every week for a cervical length ultrasound and a shot.  We manage how we can and are in survival mode.  I have about 9 weeks left and then should be 36 weeks and off bedrest.  I figure 9 weeks isn't much at all in the grand scheme of life or even a pregnancy!  Plus, I want to bring my little one home if the Lord so blesses us!!!

Claire quote and John sounds!

Yesterday the city flushed the fire hydrant in the cul-de-sac in front of our house.  Needless to say Luke and Claire had a blast playing in the water!  So, today they ran around in the rain and jumped in puddles.  Claire calls out "Mom, I'm running in water like yesterday in the hire fydrant"!!  Love Her!

John is all about animal sounds these days.  He loves the cow and lion.  Really, he just wants to growl so he will do it for most animals!!

let the shots begin

I started progesterone shots today.  I will get one a week for the next 12 weeks or so.  This is to hopefully prevent the baby from coming too early.  Each of the kids has gotten earlier with John being 4 weeks early.  We don't want a 6 week early baby!  Luckily, the shot didn't hurt!

the tying of shoes

Last week sometime Luke volunteered to tie Claire's shoes and he was able to do it.  Then on Sunday he tied his own church shoes.  Tonight he tied some friends' shoes.  I think it is official, Luke can tie shoes!  He has a natural gift for tying things up (knots and hooks and stuff) and it sure came in handing with the shoes!!

a new niece

Charlotte Rose Marsh entered the world on September 5th! I am a proud aunt!

tractors

The boys love tractors!  They love to play with them.  They love to watch them.  They love to drive them!  In fact, Luke wants to be a farmer when he grows up so he can drive tractors!  It is amazing how much they take after Seth!  He has always loved tractors too!

John is so fun to watch.  He loves things with wheels, but especially the tractors.  He crawls around pushing them up and down the hall and around the living room and foyer.  Seth and I just love to watch him work and make his tractor noise!  (Luke has never really made car/tractor noises so it is great fun listening to John!)